Sunday, April 15, 2012

En Plein Air: The Ballad of the Pittsburgh Toilet

 Dearest Comrades!

Today we ask the question, does someone always have to die in a ballad? What if the object is not living to begin with? What if it's a toilet? What then?

Now some of you may have heard of the Pittsburgh Left, the Pittsburgh Chair, or even the Pittsburgh perm. The Pittsburgh Toilet was born in the clouded depths of February, where the morning sun, is no brighter than the inside of a muffler at dusk. It was the year when men and woman wore no shoes, marched back and forth three miles to shuck oysters, or lift giant wooden logs, and the snow really reached their waists, like they all tell us it did when we bitch or complain about how high the snow is this year. Basically it was a shitty time!
Well, in the Squirrel hill neighborhood there was a man named Maxwell Ardilla, a Magnate who grew his fortune from a walnut company. He was the owner of the first car in the Burgh. However he was a chronic antagonist to his sworn enemy, and neighbor Gregory Tejon Johnson. Their fervent hatred went back and forth. The cause, unknown sometimes even to themselves. Historians trace this family conflict back as far as the 18th century over a packet of Kool Aid strategically placed in Ardilla's riding boots. Staining the man's toes purple and thus foiling his attempt to gain the hand of the French duchess and ambassador to the Iroquois. Gregory Tejon Johnson was the second to purchase a vehicle in the city of Pittsburgh, but he was the first to steal a parking spot. Ardilla woke one morning to find his vehicle entirely covered, after an early morning snowstorm. With a shovel, he cleared the vehicle off, and left to work. When he returned home, he found that the space he cleaned out was stolen, by his nemesis. The next day, he awoke, cleared off the car, and left. When he came back he found the same car in his spot. The feud rekindled! Maxwell Ardilla found himself sitting out on his porch day and night waiting to catch the man stealing his spot. Until one day it was confirmed. Maxwell, woke, cleared off his parking spot, and drove the car around the corner. Parking it out of view. Gregory Tejon Johnson saw no wrong in his actions, he saw a spot and took it. They both waited on their porches. Seeing if the other would make his or her move. It got so bad, that they each had their own toilets installed, so they would never have to leave! Eventually the walnut company was run out of business; bought out by a largely unknown businessman who wanted to use the space to fabricate porch commodes!



1 comment:

  1. "Did you study at U. Pitt?"
    "Nah, I mostly prowled about the streets of Oakland, and Shadyside, looking for weird shit like toilets on porches."

    I love it that you're there, in the second greatest city in the World (I'm not sure which is first) but you still post about the Burgh, our little Burgh. BTW, great that you made it to Punta. Did you also check out Casapueblo?

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